Letters from the dog

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats it or after he throws it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The litter tray is not a biscuit tin.
4. The sofa is not a facecloth.
5. The rubbish collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.