Monica Baldwin and the beginning of the journey

I have been re-exploring a favourite (and somewhat obscure) author: Monica Baldwin, niece of Stanley Earl Baldwin, three-times prime minister of England. I first stumbled across Monica in a school book bin when I was about 14, with her fascinating book The Called and the Chosen: the diary of Sister Ursula Auberon, Abbaye de ka Sainte Croix, Framleghen (1957) was being sold off for about 30 cents from the school library. 

The Called and the Chosen was a watershed book for me. I was young, impressionable, and trying to find my way in the world. I was also a member of a deeply Protestant, non-conformist church that still had a strong distrust of all things Catholic. However, I have always had a driving interest in history and simply could not accept the implicit teaching of the church I belonged to that nothing interesting happened between the Acts of the Apostles, the Reformation, and now. 

Monica's book, telling the story of a young woman who entered a convent and then the things that she experienced there, made a deep impression on me. The diarist, Sr Ursula, describes things that I had never experienced at the time, such as the liturgical wonders of Christmas midnight Mass, and the experiences in contemplative prayer. I was entranced. I read and re-read it, feeling for Sr Ursula as she struggled with her vocation and eventual choice to leave the convent because she felt she was called elsewhere and needed to be honest to that call - but with a huge sense of peace because she made the right decision. 

I lost the book for many years after lending it to a friend who didn't return it (why is it that people who would be horrified at the idea of stealing anything else think it's okay to steal books?) and only found another copy with great difficulty some 15 years later. After this, I discovered Monica Baldwin had written two other books: the properly autobiographical I Leap Over the Wall and Goose in the Jungle, where she details her own exodus from the Canonesses Regular of St Augustine after 28 years (1914-1941) and how she adapted (and didn't) to a completely different world and kind of life. In these books she continues to explore what it meant for her to pray, and to find God - the convent was not the right place for her, but she began to explore the ways that the world around her could lead her towards God. 

Thinking about it, Monica Baldwin probably had a lot to do with my own vocation. She helped me see that lots of the things I was longing for actually had a place in church (gorgeous music, silence, prayer, contemplation - none of which fitted in the places where I was at the time) and that what the Celts called the book of nature was more rich and subtle a teacher of faith than anything produced by fallible humans. The Anglican church became the place where I could place all of those parts of my disparate nature and they could all find a home - and unlike Monica, I found that all of them in the end led me to the religious life, firstly with the Franciscans and then the Benedictine Community of Solitude. 

So, even though her own journey into the convent ended with her gathering her courage and leaving, Monica's journey through the convent and into the faith of the everyday has inspired my own. 

Friday

Friday. I love Fridays, especially after a busy week like this one. I'm blobbing out with something relatively mindless on the tv - Who do you think you are? (the BBC family history programme, on Jeremy Irons tonight) and carefully ignoring the pile of washing that wants folding on the other couch! I've successfully ignored it for a couple of days so think that one more night won't hurt.

The reason the washing has been unfolded on the couch for a couple of days is that the evenings have been devoted to a very successful writing stint on my research paper. I've more or less finished the major writeup of the literature review for my paper on left-handedness and accidents, and today launched the data-gathering bit, which is an online survey on handedness. I'm looking forward to the answers to that, and doing some analysis on my own research rather than everyone else's!

On the personal front, I'm still waiting to hear from the Order I enquired with. I'm not sure if the wait is because they haven't got my letters, or they are busy, or it's a test... it is slightly frustrating but I know that if it is the right thing, it will happen in the right time. The TSSF chapter is due to meet at the end of this month and I've requested a year's leave of absence, in order to give myself time to listen to the new thing that God is inviting me into. Maybe it will be back into TSSF: I don't know. All I know is that there is a great sea-change going on inside and a number of things are starting, and growing, and becoming, and I need to be open to it.

The Breviary has become an anchor for my days, and it’s also encouraging me into deeper contemplation during the day as well. Especially on gorgeous days like today, when one could believe that spring is only a couple of weeks away! (Apparently the weekend is supposed to be cold and miserable though…. Typical).

And tomorrow is the feast of the Assumption, and I'm trying to figure out how to keep that one as an Anglican (a high Anglican, though), and to make it relevant to small daughter. She's enjoying learning about the different feasts and fasts of the church year, and when I mentioned it was a special feast tomorrow she was really interested.

Pachyderm

Waiting

Another night of peace and quiet - small daughter asleep, husband away, and not much work getting done. I had grand plans to study tonight, but I cannot seem to settle to university work at the moment, there's too much else going on in my head - and that's even after I got a really good mark on my last assignment!

I managed to make most of the Third Order meeting today, which was really good - it's been a while since I have been able to attend, although I did take small daughter with me as hubby is in Auckland. It was good to see them all again. I had a long talk over lunch with one of my friends in the Order to whom I have always been close - she was professed a year before me so we were both novices together and shared a lot, including a room at Convocation a few years ago! She is in further discernment too, and is really excited that she's moving into St Francis House (the little communual house that was established last year in Wellington), but she also mentioned that she is open to a more monastic way too.

The balance for me, of course, is between family and vocation. I feel really blessed that God gave me vocations to both family and religious life, but its always a question of balance. And yet, I know that I am called to this life of love and openness to God and others. My family life teaches me about God, my prayer teaches me about family.

So now, I listen. I wait. I get frustrated about study that I can't concentrate on (and really need to get onto!). I pray. I have fun with my daughter and husband. I teach my little one about God's love and we pray the Office together (a simplified version for small children). And I hope.

I know that something is stirring, but I don't know what it is!

Pachyderm tssf

Habit-forming?

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot recently is habits. Religious habits, particularly. When Francis founded the Third Order in the 13th century, it was intended to be a way that ordinary folks could participate in the monastic way without actually being in a monastery: particularly for married people and others who weren't actually called into a fully monastic existence, unlike the monks of the First Order and the nuns of the Second Order (Poor Clares). TSSF is for married, single, male, female, lay and ordained people (so says our Rule - I would also add gay and straight, but certain parts of the Order may have difficulty with putting that so plainly!).

As far as I know, the Third Order has never had a clothing habit - except for the Catholic Third Order Regular (TOR) which is a Third Order inside a monastery (go figure). In the TSSF, our Profession Cross is our habit, which we are encouraged to wear whenever appropriate - I for one usually wear it all the time, although sometimes at work I put it under my blouse, particularly when I'm training as I don't want anything to distract my trainees from the message I'm trying to bring to them.

I also wear a plain gold ring on the third finger of my right hand as a personal statement of my Profession (the third finger of my left hand has my wedding and engagement rings on it!). The ring I have chosen to wear has a bit of a history: Dad came in from the garden one day with this ring in his hand - he had literally dug it up from our garden. We took it to the Police but they couldn't trace the original owner and returned it to us, and as the ring fitted me perfectly, Dad gave it to me. I always intended to use it for my wedding ring, but my engagement ring is shaped and so the ring wouldn't fit, so I eventually used it as part of my Franciscan commitment - a very private reminder to myself.

However, I'm beginning to feel that the Profession Cross isn't enough. Yes, it states that I am a Professed Franciscan. Yes, it is part of my commitment and an expression of the Franciscan charism and way. Yes, it is beautiful: my daughter always wants to see (and wear!) my "special cross", but part of me wants something extra. I have begun wearing a wide headband (and when I say wide, it covers almost my whole head) on high feast days as a covering and reminder to myself that I am in the presence of God, and I have chosen to dress simply with a very limited palette of colours - mostly grey, white, and black, and everything goes with everything else so I need a smaller number of clothes (older clothes are still coloured but as they wear out I'm choosing simpler things) - and no makeup (but as I'm allergic this was no sacrifice!).

I'd love it if TSSF would authorise a simple habit and/or veil for optional use by Tertiaries, particularly at church. The original Franciscan habit was shaped like the Tau cross (a T) with wide-ish sleeves in brown or darkish grey, and the monks wear a hood (capuche), nuns a veil. TSSF could have a unisex one. I know the Order of Ecumenical Franciscans (OEF) has an optional habit. I know that the brothers and sisters in Melanesia have asked our Provincial Chapter for a habit but the position worldwide is that the Profession Cross is our visible habit - along with the other habits that we establish as we live our lives under the Rule and our personal rule of life. It would have to go to the Inter-Provincial Third Order Chapter (IPTOC) - which only meets every 6 years....

Please don't get me wrong though: I don't want a habit to show the world that I'm different or special in some way. I want it as a reminder to myself that I live a life that is under vows, given to God, dedicated. I have made vows of simplicity, fidelity, and obedience, and I want to express those to myself. It would also make TSSF more visible which isn't a bad thing either, but that is strictly secondary to my way of thinking!!

Not sure what the "rules" (spoken/unspoken) are for adopting a modified habit on a personal scale. I've been trying to get an answer on this one from monk and nun friends but no dice so far. For lurkers who are Franciscans, what do you think about this one? Would love to have some discussion in the comments section!

Pachyderm tssf

'Tis a gift to be simple

Pentecost was a bit subdued at St James' yesterday. We always have a pulpit swap with Sts Peter & Paul Catholic Church: our vicar goes there, and their priest comes to preach to us. They've got a new parish priest, and this is one of the first times I've heard him preach. He's pretty good. He preached (surprise surprise) on the descent of the Holy Spirit, but also on the importance of Spirit in our lives and in the world: how the love that is God works in and through us to bring life and joy to our world, our lives, and the lives of others. It seemed to mesh quite well with other things I've been thinking about, although I'm not sure yet at what level or in what way!

One lovely thing yesterday was our new organist: Sophie was one of the girls who was in the youth group that hubby and I used to lead (before I got pregnant with the rugrat). It was her first time, and she did a great job. She played a lovely voluntary, the psalm and hymns were at a good pace, and she got all the responsories in the right places at the right time. I know she was nervous but it was really brilliant, and it was nice to see "one of our girls" doing such a great job.

One thing I have been thinking about a bit lately is simplicity: what does it mean, why do we bother, what's the point? What does it mean for a Franciscan to be simple, when that Franciscan is also supporting a family?

I had a bit of a clue on Friday when I was sitting on our front doorstep eating icecream with our three-year-old daughter. She was giving herself a chocolate icecream facial (!), we'd just had a long walk in the park, it was a lovely day, and we were laughing and having fun together. It was beautiful. It was life in the present moment: at that moment, I didn't want to be anywhere else or be doing anything else with anyone else. It was enough to be sitting there, feeling the sun on my face, listening to my daughter's chatter and laughter, and knowing that God was in the love that we share. I was so happy to be there with her, and it made me realise that simplicity is being present, being open to the little gifts God gives through life.

Maybe I'm a little slow on the uptake for this one, but it hit me with all the force of a revelation on Friday. We Tertiaries are vowed to simplicity, not poverty, and I think that Friday was the first time I've really begun to understand the difference. Simplicity is a state of heart, a state of mind; poverty is more of a state of pocket - also a state of mind, but poverty has more emphasis on having nothing rather than accepting the goodness of life's gifts. Simplicity is loving everything and owning nothing - in the sense that nothing owns me or possesses my heart. It's a harder proposition when one considers simplicity about people, but it's also not owning them either. Much harder to do!

I think it might be bedtime - I always start to pontificate a bit when I'm tired!

Pachyderm tssf

Christ is Risen!

He is risen indeed, and we celebrated at the 6am dawn service, the return of the light. Lighting the Paschal candle, watching the light flood through the church as everyone's candle was lit until the altar candles and sanctuary were alight. Watching the sky through the windows turn from inky black to midnight blue, to pale water blue, to shimmering dawn as the sun rose, turning all the church to cream and gold and light and bright shadow. Knowing that Christ is risen, alive, breathing through all creation, all life. Enjoying our parish breakfast - sausage and bacon and eggs tasted really good in the warm, bright hall after getting up at 5am in the cold and the dark! Seeing friends that we haven't seen in ages, who have been away at university or attend different services. Fellowship. Friendship. Joy. Love. Life. Wonder.

He is risen. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Pachyderm tssf

Good Friday

It's here. Last night's Mandatum (foot-washing) service was one of the most lovely ones I've ever been to. I took the rugrat, and she was incredibly good. The very quiet, solomn service obviously touched her and I'd spent some time beforehand explaining why the priests were washing our feet, as a way of showing us about love as service to others. The bit that got her most though was at the end, following the last supper, when the sanctuary was stripped - altar cloth, candles, processional cross, even the Wardens' staffs were removed, and all the lights turned out except the one behind the big cross on the wall while we were singing the Taize chant Stay with me. The "big dark church" got her - she wanted to know why it was dark, but also understood that "Jesus was hurting" and we needed to stay with him. I took her into the Lady Chapel to see the altar of repose where the consecrated Host was and explained that someone would be with Jesus all night.

After I took her home to bed, I went back for some of the vigil (St James does it in hour-long shifts). It's been a long time since I've been able to go to the vigil and I'm glad I did. It was mostly a time of just being - not trying to pray or think too much, just trying to be. I needed that.

Today's Good Friday liturgy at the foot of the cross (the short one - we didn't try for the 3-hour vigil this afternoon) was simple, and symbolic, and moving. It captured the pain and heartache that is Good Friday. One thing I love about St James is we don't try to move through Easter too quickly. We let ourselves experience that darkness, the loss, the pain, the hurting, the grieving of God, and fully feel that, before we move onto the explosion of light and joy on Sunday. But we can't get to the joy before we've felt the pain. We live in the waiting time.

Pachyderm tssf

Lent: progress report

Well, we're 10 days into Lent and the second Sunday is tomorrow. So far, so good. I made two plan for Lent: keeping a daily Office as part of my prayer and awareness of God, and what I'm terming "fiscal responsibility". Traditionally, Lent is about three things: prayer, fasting, and almsgiving, as a way of preparing ourselves for Easter. My two plans covered all three areas as the fiscal responsibility bit was particularly around ensuring that I made my lunch and took it with me to work, rather than buying it. Ergo, I eat simpler food, and save money for other purposes.

I am so glad that my vicar introduced me to the Catholic Morning and Evening Prayer (Lauds and Vespers) - I love the breviary and I find myself looking forward to praying the Office again, rather than approaching it as something I have to do because my Rule requires it. I had been using Celebrating Common Prayer but was getting bored as there are only 7 variations of it, whereas the Divine Office has many variations and always feels fresh. I am still working out how the TSSF portion fits in - whether it's best to do this before, during or after the Office, and whether it's best at morning or evening prayer. It seems to work better in the evening as I'm not quite so rushed then: even though I have been carving out time in the morning to make sure I've got time for Office before I leave for work (mostly by getting up earlier), I am always aware that as soon as I finish praying, I need to get out of the door and off to work through Wellington traffic!

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Ash Wednesday

Today was a bit manic. I was training in Upper Hutt (which went well) but it meant that instead of going to an Ash Wednesday service in town at lunchtime, I had to slip discreetly out of my ballet class (before it finished), change in the car, and slip into the back of our parish service at 7.30pm. We always combine with the local Catholic church and the priests take turns to preach - this year it was their turn. Sts Peter and Paul has a new parish priest so I was interested to hear what he was like. Not bad - delivery a bit stilted, but he had some good things to say and the slower delivery really did make me stop and think about the message.

So, Lent is here again. Forty days until Easter. This year, Lent for me is about what I'm going to do, not what I'm "giving up". It's a positive take - using the time to get closer to God, not to fixate on what I'm trying not to do.

Gracious God,
your love extends to the ends of the earth
and your mercy surrounds our fragile lives.
Send your blessings on us that we may be signs
and instruments of your peace and justice in the world.
(from today's ecumenical Ash Wednesday liturgy).

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Doubt

I managed to catch Doubt yesterday (Phillip Seymour Hoffmann and Meryl Streep) while in Palmerston North - I knew hubby didn't really want to see it and I had a whole evening to fill in up there.

Story in a nutshell: Catholic parochial school run by Sisters of Charity. Prioress Sister Aloysius (Streep) believes that the new parish priest (Hoffmann) is molesting the school's first black student (also an altar boy). Sister Aloysius asks the very innocent novice Sister James (Amy Adams) to watch Father Flynn in her classes. Sister Aloysius doesn't want Father Flynn at the school as she believes that he is too progressive and is fighting to have him removed. Sr James isn't sure whether Father Flynn is guilty and is drawn into the battle.

It's excellent. Acting was really superb, with lots of little undercurrents - progressive v. traditionalist, male v. female, nun v. priest, white v. black etc. It's an adaptation from a play and it really shows, with emphasis on just a few characters, a short time frame (about a month), very tight scripting (beautifully crafted words and images), but very complex characters. Streep is really brilliant as the repressed, passionate, frightened, strong, and quite terrifying Sister Aloysius; Amy Adams brings a gentleness and strength to her wide-eyed Sister James, and Hoffmann portrays the complex, confused, and caring Father Flynn. It reminds me a bit of Arthur Millar's All My Sons in terms of its complexity and questioning.

I've got a lot to think about, but what keeps coming back to me is what a former parish priest of mine said to me years ago when I was struggling with doubt in a huge "dark night" experience: "Doubt is not the opposite of faith. Unbelief is the opposite of faith."

Doubt to me is wrestling with God - a bit like Job - being prepared to ask the tough questions and live with them. I always want my answers to come easily and quickly, but sometimes God wants me to stay with the questions because its in those times I learn most. Sr Aloysius, Sr James, and Fr Flynn were all asking tough questions and finding the fellowship of doubt. I like Fr Flynn's image of doubt as being a little like grief - shut up behind a glass wall that you can see through but not reach through (can't remember the exact words). That is where we grow.

I highly recommend this one if you like your movies quite thought-provoking and a bit unresolved - at the end we still don't know whether Father Flynn did it or not!

Pachyderm tssf

Quote for today

'Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about the need for 'holy worldly' people - followers of Jesus who live in the world but who are sustained by an arcane, or secret, discipline of prayer. 'Contemplation' or 'action' are false alternatives. Both are involved in a Christian lifestyle. A person who prays deeply will be driven to act against injustice. Similarly, a Christian who is engaged in the problems of the world will be driven to prayer. Contemplation need not be escapism, a turning one's back on the world which God loves. Prayer is at the heart of a genuine Christian radicalism - one which truly gets to the heart of the matter.'

Chasing the Wild Goose: the story of the Iona Community (Ronald Ferguson)

How others do it

I have been enjoying reading Sr Susan Francois' blog from the "very beginning" over the past few days. Susan is a Sister of St Joseph of Peace who made her First Profession late last year. she started her blog years ago when she was just beginning to hear the call to religious life, after returning to the Catholic church after 10 years away.

The thing I've liked about Susan's story is that she's brutally honest with herself - and us "bloggy readers" about what the journey of finding out is like. We're much of an age (she's a couple of years older than me) but our journeys are similar. And she's helped me see a few things about myself and my journey as a Franciscan that I wasn't thinking about!

Today was a mixed bag. This morning's church at St James' was a bit mixed. I was at a wedding yesterday that included communion so I had had a very focused liturgy yesterday, surrounded by my Community and celebrating a very wonderful day. Today's liturgy was much less focused - small daughter wanted to have stories read to her (which we did very softly so as not to disturb people), but at the same time, I know she was listening. Yesterday when we did our regular evening prayers at home, she prayed almost the entire Lord's Prayer on her own, with only a couple of prompts from me. I know she probably doesn't understand it, but she has been steeped in the liturgy from birth and it does change you. She loves communion and understands (as much as a 2-year-old can) why we do it.

This afternoon, however, was a nightmare. She was really tired and we put her into her room for a rest, which turned into a war... I totally lost the plot with her at one point after she'd been screaming for over 20 minutes.

It made me realise (later, when I'd calmed down enough to think slightly more clearly - after she finally fell asleep) that parenting is about power: how we use it to influence and train. The priest yesterday preached at the wedding about Richard Foster's book Celebration of Discipline and that discipline comes from disciple - training, sharing, growing, being friends, learning together. It's a positive thing. And losing the plot at one's 2-year-old is not a good use of parental power, even if said 2-year-old has been a total pain the neck! And here's me deceiving myself into thinking I'm a peaceful person....

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I do

Had a wonderful day today attending a wedding I never thought I'd see. One of my Franciscan brothers married one of my Franciscan sisters in a lovely ceremony - they are both in their "third age" and he's been a most determined bachelor all that time. She's been married before (he joked that he's suddenly a grandfather to 9 grandkids!). As far as we know, it's the first wedding in the Order in NZ - we don't have many married couples anyway (for married people, it tends to be either one or the other called to the Order, very rarely both. There's only about three or four other couples where both are Professed in the Province).

What was really special about it was that it tied into something I've been musing about for ages. One of the things I love about TSSF is that we can be married, single, ordained, lay, male and female. I've said "I do" twice: once to my husband on our wedding day nearly eight years ago (that's scary - the time's gone so fast!), and again to God on my Profession day nearly five years ago. There's a symmetry there that speaks to me: outwards to others and inwards to God. It's almost (if not being presumptuous) a bit like Jesus - divine and human in one person. It's certainly like Francis, loving others and loving God.

I also know that my strongest formation as a Franciscan has happened through my marriage, and now through motherhood. I've had to learn to be so much more patient, forgiving, loving, kind, gentle, strong, etc etc than I ever was before. When there's just you, it's easy to be secretly selfish, at least innerly; when there's a family there it's much harder to be. But then, there is a different sort of selfishness, when one's focus is all on one's own family, and less open to others. That's where my community pulls me outwards, where my friends, my work and my Order give me somewhere to express my outwardness.

I've also been reflecting a lot on Mary recently: she said yes to God, and she became a mum to the child that was born for others; and she had other children (Jesus had brothers - at least). She was formed by her love for God, and that formation helped form her children who lived and died for others. She's amazing. It's starting to make a lot of sense why Francis wanted her for our Patroness; she understands when no-one else does, when almost all the other saints were monks or nuns or not married and haven't experienced that particular tug of love.

I hope my friends will find something of this in their new life together, especially the groom as he adapts to an entirely new kind of life: one with a wife in it!

Pachyderm tssf

The young ones

Wonderful article on Sr Susan's blog about younger religious - how this whole vocation thing is different for us, living in a world of Facebook, blogs, internet etc. It's still an internal journey but we do it differently. It's also a bit lonely at times - I am the youngest member of my TSSF group (Wellington Area by some 20 years) and the youngest in our Province (I think). We have different issues. Glad there's other young ones out there on the internet that I can talk to, even if they are on the other side of the world!

Pachyderm tssf

Carthusians

I'm reading an amazing book at the moment: An Infinity of Little Hours. It's a story of five young men entering St Hugh's Charterhouse, Parkminster (UK). The Carthusians (monks in Charterhouses) live in almost total solitude, praying alone, eating alone (except for one meal on Sunday), and communual Office at night in church. It's an incredible life - having been on silent retreats for extended periods, I know how the silence begins to both oppress and impress, working on you, changing you, stilling interior monologues. Waiting stillness. But I don't think that I could live my entire life that way.

The book is beautifully written, by a woman who married an ex-Carthusian monk but was also given unprecedented access to Parkminster and its current monks, as well as finding a number of those that left. The "attrition rate" is high - lots of people come to try the life but realise that the solitude is not for them. It takes a special kind of person to be a Carthusian; it is a much more monastic call than most vocations! There are Carthusian nuns, who live the same way as the monks, but there are only about 75 of them (there are about 350 monks worldwide). Some people would probably call them crazy, and in some ways maybe they are, but at the same time, they are Soli Dei and Sola Fidei... more sola than I am!

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End and beginning

End and beginning. 2008 on its way out, 2009 about to come. Classic Wellington evening, wind blowing, small daughter screaming because we took her soft toys away (she's been in bed for nearly 2 hours and won't go to sleep - this is our way of making her know that we mean business).

Anyway, to business. It seems to be that time of year for thinking about previous paths and current ones, vocation etc. What do those vows mean to me: simplicity, chastity, obedience? How do I make sense of them in the midst of ordinary life?

I've been investigating new ways of observing the Office. My vicar lent me the RC breviary (well, morning and evening prayer, anyway - one book of five!) and I like it: it has a different set of antiphons and psalms each day and picks up the feasts really well, which is quite refreshing - Celebrating Common Prayer only has 7 different variations for the different seasons and it gets a bit boring, especially in Ordinary Time. Apparently there's a full Anglican breviary that is similar but I want to see it before I fork out the $80-odd for it!

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The Fourth Sunday in Advent. Expectation is deepening. The Great O antiphons have started (but I haven't heard them sung yet- I have to find the prayers so small daughter and I can use them in our evening prayer). The King of Peace is coming to our war-torn and broken world again.

Vocation bumblings continue, this time with thoughts about "plain dress" and identifiers to my profession. Sometimes being a Third Order with no habit of any kind is really hard - I'm shocking for not remembering who and what I am, especially when work is really busy! However, I'm returning again and again, and I guess that's what it's all about. I need to find some way of doing the Office that works for me, especially if I'm going to get a work car next year (noises about this - very exciting). Maybe I can go back to the "Pray as you Go" Benedictine Office site I was using earlier this year, especially if I can get a mp3 player that plugs into the car.

However, Advent is a time of returning, and it's a penitential season as well, so here's thinking that it's a good time for that. And tonight is 9 Lessons and Carols and I'm going to brave the awful weather to go to the Cathedral - and they're televising it for replay on Christmas Eve night so you might even see yours truly on TV!

Pachyderm tssf

Advent is here

It's the beginning of the Church year today. I always love the fact that Advent falls at the beginning of summer here in NZ - light and life outside and light and life coming with Christ at Christmas.

At our place, our Tree goes up today and the Holy Family and the Magi begin their journeys - we bring out the Nativity set and Mary and Joseph start in one corner of the living room and the Magi in another. Each Sunday we move them closer to the rest of the set (the shepherd, sheep and other animals) - with the Christ-child hidden away until Christmas night.

I might make my first Advent wreath too. (That one in the pic isn't mine...)

Pachyderm

A-maze-ing

I finally did it. I walked a labyrinth - and it wasn't the one I thought I'd end up in either. It was all a bit of a surprise. I was down in Nelson Lakes to do some H&S training (Gorgeous part of the country: I've never been there before and now I understand why people rave about Lake Rotoiti. It's magical: serene blue water reflecting snowy mountains (in October!) and fringed with dark forests.) The second session of the day was cancelled and I was able to shift my flight home, but it meant I had some time to kill. I didn't rush the drive back to Nelson from St Arnaud, and then went to explore Nelson a bit as I've only been there twice, and never with a car!

I found Nelson Cathedral and went to explore, and discovered that they have laid a labyrinth down in the south transept. And walking it was every bit as profound as I thought it would be. There was something about the circling around the centre point, sometimes closer, sometimes further away, and then stopping in the middle: they had cleverly set up the centre so one ends up meditating on the great south rose window and the crucifixion windows. Going out again emphasised the outward journey.

Life centres around certain facts, certain truths: sometimes we feel closer to the truth than others, but at all times we are journeying in a path that has been laid for us. We can't see where we're going or how it's going to end up - walking the labyrinth you're never quite sure where you're at and how much further there is to go, but all of a sudden I found myself at the centre without quite knowing how I got there, and the same at the end. It was a really profound symbol of life and I can see why the labyrinth became a kind of pilgrimage for those who couldn't go to Jerusalem in the Middle Ages.

Pachyderm

Labyrinth

I'm a bit of a sucker for ritual (it's why I'm a High Anglican after all!) as I firmly believe that all prayer has to be embodied - part of where we are in ourselves at whatever location and present time (also why I like the Rosary - I like the physicality of the beads as an anchor to meditation).

I've been interested in labyrinth prayer for a long time. I haven't yet managed to walk the labyrinth that used to be at Frederick Wallis House - now at Hutt Hospital - but I am intending to, maybe after exams. What interests me about this way of meditation/prayer is that it acts out the moving inwards towards God and outwards to the world through the movement of the body through the labyrinth. Labyrinths aren't mazes: there's only one route through the labyrinth and no dead ends, which is why I always had a problem with the movie of the same name, as that was actually a maze (although it is a cool movie, even now)!

I found this site the other day and liked it. It's got an interactive online labyrinth that captures the inwards and outwards feel of walking prayer, and presents the internal journey in a guided fashion that can be done without all the distractions of an actual labyrinth installation. It also has prayer stations, which I like (all that spiritual formation study, I guess!).

I just realised that this is probably the first post in this entire blog when I've let down my guard and talked about what I really think about stuff.

Pachyderm